Expecting the Unexpected
written by Keeeks - inspired by an original artwork from arvyyuula
-arvyyuula-
SEPTEMBER
Kyle felt weird when he walked into class on the first day of fifth grade. For some reason he couldn't explain, he felt like he had been in fourth grade for years, much longer than most kids spent in fourth grade, but he didn't think anything of it. Not being able to explain why strange things were happening was typical for residents of South Park, and as much as Kyle fancied himself to be much more intelligent than a typical South Park resident, he understood that this feeling came with the territory. However, he knew that feeling weird on the first day of senior year was not unique to South Park, and for the first time in his life, he felt like a normal kid.
OCTOBER
In the midst of attempting to submit his finalized application to Harvard University, Kyle was declared the Jewish messiah. Instead of being worried, Kyle turned on his laptop and added "Messiah" to his list of honors on the Common App. Stan attempted to object, but Kyle was distracted by the fact that Kenny had just died laughing.
NOVEMBER
Kenny McCormick awoke with a searing headache. He briefly feared that he had gone blind until he saw the orange parka that he still found himself wearing after returning from Hell. His most recent death involved being bludgeoned by the reincarnation of Erik the Red, which didn't even make the top 20 on Kenny's list of worst deaths. In a daze, Kenny tossed his old jacket onto the floor and threw on what he hoped was a respectable outfit before blitzing out the door to make the bus. Kenny missed it, as per usual, and walked to school. He was twenty minutes late, so the hallway was desolate when he arrived. This explains why Kenny jumped five feet into the air when he felt a light tap on his shoulder. Kenny whipped around menacingly, ready to beat the freshman that thought asking him for directions was a good idea.
"Hey, Kenny, can I ask you something?"
"You just did." Kenny thought he was hilarious, which drove Wendy crazy, because he wasn't.
"If you could stop being a smart aleck for two seconds, I have a serious question to ask you."
"Oh Wendy, please enlighten me with your super serious question." Kenny leaned back against his locker and began to bat his eyelashes when an exasperated Wendy said, "I just need to ask if you died yesterday." Kenny's smirk slid off his face as though Damien had just come strolling through the halls.
"Excuse me?
"Sorry, I know it sounds ridiculous. I thought it was a dream, but it just seemed very realistic," Wendy said in a small, meek voice he had never heard before that made Kenny want to hold her. Kenny did not usually want to hold girls, especially girls like Wendy Testaburger.
"How did I die?"
"This time, a man dressed as a viking attacked you. It was rather repulsive." As an afterthought, Wendy mumbled, "In my dream, obviously." Then, to Wendy's alarm, Kenny gripped her face and frantically looked into her eyes.
"Shit. You remember. Why can you remember? How can you remember? Wait. What do you mean this time?" Kenny had released Wendy and was now pacing in a circle around her, which did nothing to alleviate her current stress.
"Understand what? Kenny, I haven't slept in weeks due to vivid nightmares. The common theme amongst them happens to be your brutal death. I thought the one last night was real, and I clearly need to be sent to a mental institution. I'm just going to leave you in peace-"
"No. Wendy. I die. All the time. No one remembers. What makes you special?"
"I don't know. Maybe we should sit down and talk about this."
"Okay. Yeah. Sounds good."
Kenny and Wendy would never figure out why Wendy could remember, but they would figure out that they made great friends.
DECEMBER
Which eventually led to this conversation about the rising sexual tension between an oblivious Kyle and an obsessive Stan.
"I think everyone expected Kyle to hopelessly moon over Stan for ages, and then to dramatically confess his feelings at prom or something."
"But that's not what's going to happen."
"Stan could spill his heart out to Kyle."
"I don't know, dude. Stan's kind of a pussy."
"You need to stop calling me dude."
"I thought that it would appeal to the feminist in you."
"I hate you, Kenny."
"When you say shit like that, Wendy, it becomes pretty goddamn clear as to why people think you and Cartman would make a lovely couple."
"Go fuck yourself, Kenny."
"You're just proving my point, Wends," Kenny chuckled and strolled away as Wendy glared at the back of his head.
JANUARY
In South Park, childhood friendships usually became lifelong friendships. Thus, to the surprise of absolutely no one, Stan and Kyle were still best friends throughout high school. However, to the surprise of everyone, Kyle dated girl after girl, while Stan observed bitterly from the sidelines. When Kyle began pursuing Wendy, Stan threw a fit, saying that Kyle was violating the laws of "bro code". Kyle told Stan that he had been breaking rules since age nine, and he wasn't about to stop now. Stan didn't take to this too kindly, and a fight erupted between them. They only stopped fighting after former town vigilante turned villain Mysterion gave Kyle a black eye and told him to, "stay the fuck away from Testaburger". Life resumed normalcy when a trial of sorts was called in order to decide if this ordeal proved that Stan was bitchier than previously declared "Town Bitch" Herbert Garrison. Craig Tucker led the court, calling it the happiest day of his life, but had to adjourn it when Kyle, acting as Stan's lawyer, made court officer Clyde Donovan cry. Kyle then declared Clyde "Town Bitch" to cheers of agreement, and Craig angrily threw down his gavel and chased after Clyde.
Stan then declared, "It's a great day to be alive."
Kyle rolled his eyes and responded with, "You're so gay, dude."
"Speaking of being gay-"
"Yeah, I know! I never saw it coming, either... Craig and Clyde... Weird, man." Stan choked out a hollow laugh before replying, "Word, dude."
FEBRUARY
"You know, Kenny, Kyle never did make it clear why he stopped being interested in me. Weirdly enough, I don't think it was because of Stan."
"Beats me."
MARCH
Stan and Kyle were splayed across Stan's living room floor playing video games when the shrill voice of Sharon Marsh was heard over the sound of gunshots.
"Stanley. Stanley. STANLEY RANDALL MARSH! ANSWER ME WHEN I CALL YOU!"
"Mom, I'm busy answering the call of duty! Is that not important to you?"
"Jesus, Stanley. I just need to ask when you plan on going to rent your tuxedo."
"Tuxedo for what?"
"Prom!"
"Mom, prom is in two months."
"Stan, there's only one place that rents tuxedos in town, and I will not let you wait until the last and end up wearing a baby blue suit to prom."
"What if I want to wear a baby blue suit to prom?"
"We're going tomorrow morning, and that's final."
Kyle looked at Stan with sympathy, throwing in a, "Weak, dude," to illustrate his sympathy.
"Dude, I haven't even thought about a prom yet... Who the fuck am I going to take?"
"Dunno. I'm kinda over the girls of South Park."
"That's because you've been with all of them."
"Details, Stanley. Minor details."
"Let's just go as bros. You can wear the dress."
"Dude, that would be hilarious. Let's do it. I'm not fucking wearing a dress, though." They burst out into laughter. Stan was thrilled at the thought of finally seducing Kyle; Kyle was more preoccupied with the horrified reaction he was bound to get from his mother. Needless to say, they were both excited. However, the romance of the moment was interrupted when Kenny's character in Call of Duty, which Stan had failed to pause, was shot in the skull.
"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"
"You bastards!"
APRIL
Considering that Harvard found it incredibly difficult to reject an applicant who single-handedly brought democracy to Cuba as a fourth grader, Kyle was accepted.
MAY
Kyle and Stan were at prom, "as bros", and all was well until Kyle was elected Prom King and Wendy was elected Prom Queen. Stan was furious and sat in the corner of the gym silently fuming until Kyle finished up his royal dancing requirements.
Then, in an act that demonstrated Kyle's complete inability to understand human nature, he strolled over to a dejected Stan, took off the Prom King ribbon that had been haphazardly strewn across his chest and threw it over Stan's neck.
"Dude, if I knew you wanted this, I wouldn't have even accepted it," Kyle said with a short laugh, looking at Stan for approval like he usually did. Stan, however, looked at Kyle with a blank expression on his face before pulling a flask out of his jacket and taking a long, drawn-out sip. For Stan's eighteenth birthday, Randy purchased him the aforementioned flask in a drunken stupor, stating that the drinking laws were "bullshit" and that no son of his would adhere to such stupidity. Then, Stan bought Kyle one, because "that's what super best friends do". Kyle mirrored Stan and pulled out his flask, taking a swig before looking at Stan nervously.
"You alright?"
"No, Kyle. Fuck. I hate seeing you with her."
"I don't even like her Stan! It's mandatory prom shit and you know it."
"Whatever."
"Stan, how the fuck do you still like her? It's been years."
In classic, overdramatic Stan fashion, Stan shouted, "IT'S NOT HER I LIKE!"
"What? Then what's the issue? I don't underst- oh. Oh. Okay. Really?"
"Yes, really."
"Wow. Okay. We're idiots. Let's bail."
"Kyle?" Before Stan was given an explanation, Kyle grabbed his wrist and dragged him out of the gymnasium. Stan wasn't sure if he was supposed to be confused or excited. He settled on both.
~
"Hey." Kenny paused to admire the sheen of the hardwood floors before looking at Wendy and asking, "Wanna dance?"
Wendy rolled her eyes. "How long have you been planning this?"
"A few weeks. I acted it out in front of my mirror. I had to perfect the puppy dog face, you know? Like, okay, you love Pretty in Pink. On a scale of 1 to Duckie, how longing did I just look?"
"Blaine."
"Fuck, I knew you were going to say that."
"A for effort though."
"Does that mean I earned a dance?"
"Unfortunately."
"Alright, sweet. I'm gonna go ask the DJ if he can play 'My Humps'."
"Fuck you, Kenny."
"Beethoven's Fifth?"
"I hate you."
"Be right back!" Kenny grinned at Wendy and blew a kiss at her before departing for the turntables. Wendy attempted to look irritated. She failed miserably.
~
"Kyle, come on, dance with me."
"No. Stan, I'm tired. I want to sleep."
Following their early departure from prom, Stan and Kyle had gotten wasted (mostly Stan), confessed their love for one another, and then attempted cow tipping in celebration. Sober Stan would have felt terribly guilty, but Drunk Stan found it hilarious. They came to the realization that Kyle dated girls to make Stan jealous, and Stan hated it because it worked. Now, Kyle was dressed for bed and attempting to sleep, whereas Stan was prancing around the room, still clad in his suit.
"You owe me a dance."
"No."
"Please? It would be so beautiful."
"Stan, we are on an intergalactic reality television show, not in The Notebook."
"I think you dancing with me would make great intergalactic reality TV." Stan plied over to his speakers and put on "Sea of Love" by Cat Power.
"Fuck you, dude."
"Ky, you love this song."
"I do. I'm not getting up, though. Just come cuddle with me." Stan decided that this was a fair compromise, climbed into bed, and wrapped himself around Kyle like he had been waiting to do for the last four years.
The End
If you enjoyed this story, remember to check out the original artwork that inspired it!
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