"Die you motherfuckers!" My friend, Craig Tucker, yelled as he brought his bat down on the hoard of attackers below us.
"Sick! It's on my fucking leg!" The equally nasally voice of Clyde Donovan joined the racket of our fight. A small snarling creature gripped the leg of his pants, attempting to climb up him Clyde yelled out in disgust before smacking it with his weapon of choice; a large dough roller. The limp body was sent down back into the hoard. My heart rammed in my chest as I scooted back on the large mound of stuff used to barricade the people within the building we were using to escape the creatures below. But it was no use as the small creatures were doing their absolute best to climb it and reach us.
"There's too many of them! Craig, what do we do!? " Token Black screamed over the growls. He winced as more blood splattered on his hands when he brought his father's golf club down again and again on the mob below him.
"Jesus Christ! I knew this would happen! I knew it!" I screamed, hacking one that was right below me. It grabbed the handle below my ax and was trying to get to me! I started shaking it off in disgust, "Oh god!" I was starting to panic. It wouldn't come off! Oh god it was going to get me! In a flash a metal clang echoed through the small square in which we were located at. I glanced Craig holding the bat and gave a grateful smile- as best of a smile as i could with the feeling of impending death pricking in the pit of my stomach. The same feeling I had since the whole thing started. The smile was briefly returned before he went back down to tend to his work of defending us.
"Craig!" Token tried again from the side of me.
"Shit!" Craig cursed backing up. They were advancing! And we were running out of space to back up to.
"We're so fucked!"
"Jesus Christ guys! They're coming! The zombie gnomes are coming!" I screamed, seeing the foot tall little monsters rush at us from all sides.
We weren't going to get away!
Yes. Zombie Underpants Gnomes. Let that just sink in there for a second.
My name is Tweek Tweak and South Park had been invaded by zombie underpants gnomes. When I was little there were these gnomes that would steal my underpants. After Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, and Eric Cartman infiltrated their base when I was eight, they seemed to have just- disappeared. I had not seen one. I thought they must've moved on to the next town or something. Which was fine with me- that meant me and the entire town of South Park didn't have to keep buying new underwear. Except Cartman who apparently always eats at Chipotle.
But this morning at three, I woke up to a commotion from my own room. One was in my house! After all these years they came back! It was bleeding all over the floor, a big bite looked like it was taken from his shoulder. I wasn't exactly afraid of it- being seventeen now. But it was surprising to see one after all this time. It told me in attempts to find the link that connects the stealing of underpants to profit, something went wrong. And the gnomes were turning into some sort of murderous creatures craving flesh. I had absolutely in idea how in the hell a business plan ended up in death- but guinea pigs took over the world when the pipe flute bands were taken away so- anything is possible.
It died before it could tell me what had happened. But- it didn't stay dead. It turned into some sort of zombie and bit me. And it wasn't a normal bite. The gnome had two rows of razor sharp teeth and a small chunk was taken out of me. Based on Zombie knowledge that Craig's many zombie movie marathons taught me, I thought I was going to turn into a zombie. But- I didn't. I don't think our DNA is compatible. But it still took a nasty chunk out of my arm.
One isn't a big deal, I guess. They're just a foot tall after all. But in a swarm- it'll be like a school of piranhas eating a crane. And as far as the little gnome's tale went- they're all zombies now. The ones that haven't been eaten were infected. There's no more gnome flesh to eat. And since we're the next best thing- they're going to come up from their mine and eat us man! Eat us all!
I tried telling my parents. But all they did was laugh, give me my thermos, and send me to school. I went and told my best friends- and they didn't believe me at first. I guess I couldn't really blame them- I don't have the best track record. But then as if out of no where- the damn things just came up out of the ground and started eating people!
It was carnage!
We almost didn't make it out of there! But thankfully Token and Craig stayed calm and used their short height to our advantage. We had to climb a few buildings and jump across some cars- but we got out of that school and headed to Token's house. With the mass chaos spreading to throughout the town we figured it was best to hide there until we had a proper plan. Or at least some better weapons.
Craig and Token were near the gym when it happened so they got what they could find. Craig got a bat, Token a golf club. Clyde was in home economics so opted to use a big roller- which kind of makes no sense since he had a lot of knives at his disposal. I was in the hall- but I was by the fire extinguisher which had a small axe inside the red box as well so I lucked out. We fought our way through the school and tried getting out of town. But we couldn't get pass the mass hysteria. We ended up bashing our way to Token's house. There ended up not being anything better we could use for weapons since all the ones the Black's owned were antiques. Only Token ended up upgrading to one of his dads platinum plated club. We checked the news and radio for updates. You'd think the police would be able to control the situation but it wasn't too long before the town was overrun. We got nothing but static from the radio and TV.
Then a signal from Stan Marsh came out over the radio calling out to any survivors to come to the city hall. Apparently there was a plan in the works. Craig said he didn't think going was a good idea- but that was when we got attacked by the gnomes. We all unanimously decided that it would be best to get out of the gnome infested house and head to where Stan's gang was.
The plan was to get there and see what was up. And if there wasn't anything worth while- we'd skip town.
So that's where we were going now- but it didn't look like we were going to make it.
"To the top! Hurry!" Craig shouted. We all went as far as we could go. The structure wasn't entirely sound, it wobbled and shook under our weight. I almost slipped but Craig grabbed my arm and steadied me.
"What do we do?" I asked looking around. There was no where to go! What were going to do? Just stay there until someone comes and helps us? Would we even last that long? Oh god!
"Guys! Up there- there's a ladder! I think we can reach it and slide it down." Token pointed to a hanging metal ladder to a fire escape hanging a few feet over head.
"Token you're the tallest- see if you can reach it." Craig commanded, helping me stay balanced as the structure gave another violent tremble.
"I'll try." Token took a deep breath and slowly got up to the tallest point, his family vacations to the beach where he'd surf helped him stay up. He reached, but stopped a few inched to it. He lost his balance and almost toppled over but Craig was quick and snatched him back down safely, "No good. Too far. I could probably reach it if I jump."
"You can't!" I shook my head, "W-what if you miss a-and you fall on them and they'll- they'll-" I shuddered thinking about Token falling to the ground and getting eaten alive. I've been watching them eat people all day- and I didn't want something like that to happen to Token. Not to another friend.
"I agree with Tweek," Craig looked up at the ladder, "If you lose your balance-"
"I can do it." Token said firmly.
"No- the rocking is getting- holy shit!" We were going down! It was going to collapse! It was over!
"It's either I try or we all die!" Token insisted , "This thing won't hold much longer and if I don't try now- I won't be able to again!"
"We can't run for it? I mean- if we go fast enough-"
"No Clyde- I can do it." Token inhaled deeply, his mind seemed made up.
I bit my lip and shook my head. We were all quiet aside from the gnomes growling under us.
"Careful Token." Craig finally said.
It was decided. Token put one knee up, finger tips down to keep his balance. The formation took another violent shake then- he jumped off.
He did it! I exhaled as he dragged the metal bar down to out level.
"Go!" Craig shouted. Token climbed up, "Clyde- go." Clyde didn't need to be told twice. Craig helped me up and pushed me to the ladder- "Go." I did as I was told and went as fast as I could. I heard the thing topple over and looked down. Craig was already on the ladder.
We did it!
For now anyway.
Once we all were at the top of the building, we all took a breather.
"Now what?" Clyde asked going to the ledge of the building. We all joined him and looked over our destroyed town.
"City hall is just across the way. If we can jump across the buildings to the burning cars at the side, find a way down, and find a clear path- we can probably make a break for it."
"That's a big if Craig." Clyde criticized.
"What else do you propose we do?" Craig snapped, digging into his pocket and taking out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
"I'm just saying it's not exactly safe down there. We almost got killed."
"Thanks to you." Craig snapped, reminding Clyde that it was him who accidentally triggered the car alarm from the van we were hiding behind and alerted the zombie gnomes in the area where we were.
"Shut up! I'm just saying maybe it's better we stay here."
"And what? Wait for help that isn't going to come?"
"Well what if those things just- move on? If we wait- maybe they'll just go. Maybe if we wait long enough they'll be gone and we can get away without the risk."
"Or maybe more will come and we'll be stranded here."
"Help could come Craig!"
"Who exactly? We waited for hours at Token's house and no one came for us. All communication is down. For all we know- there's no one else besides us and Marsh's group." Craig paused. We all remained quiet. His words hit us all a lot harder than what was probably intended. That thought had occurred to us. But none of us said anything about it. When the attack broke out we all contemplated trying to find our families- or at least contacting them. But the lines were down and trying to navigate through all the chaos was impossible- that was why we opted to hide out at Token's. When help never came- we all knew silently that we were going to have to stay together. Whether our families were out there or not- we had to focus on our survival and simply hope that our loved ones were ok.
"Be that as it may- we can't know that. I think it's best if we try to wait it out."
"We tried to wait it out at Token's and got ambushed by those little fuckers. If we stay in one place too long- we'll die somehow. And if I'm dying- I'm not going to die like a pussy from starving to death because I was waiting for someone to rescue me. We have a plan- ditch Token's, fight our way through the masses, get to city hall- and see what Stan's plan is. We should stick to it." Craig blew out smoke. Token and I stared from him to Clyde. For best friends, they sure butted heads a lot since the outbreak. But I guess this kind of thing changes people. I mean- I never knew I had it in me to hack a living creature down to save my own skin- but it happens, "If you want to stay-"
"No. I just think that if there‘s a chance we can all survive through this- we should take it." Clyde narrowed his eyes, the knuckles on his roller were white. His emphasizing of 'all of us' hit hard. He stomped off to the other side of the building. Token followed him to probably try and talk to him. I guess that meant that I should talk to Craig.
I understood where Clyde and Craig were coming from. The truth was our group did have two more people before we made it to Token's house. Kevin Stoley and Bebe Stevens. We ran into Kevin on our way out the school and found Bebe pinned on top of a car. We all decided to go to Token's together.
But Bebe and Kevin never made it. About half way to Token's we had to climb on the ledge of a brick fence to get over some gnomes. Bebe lost her balance and fell. Kevin tried to help her- but she only dragged him down with her. We didn't say much about it when it happened. It was too horrible to even comprehend. Hearing them scream. Hearing that horrible crunching sound. None of us talked about it- but it was traumatizing. And we had to keep moving if we wanted to live.
Clyde had a thing for Bebe, and Kevin was also a good friend. It had to be hardest on him but he stayed quiet about it. I guess it finally came out.
Craig sighed and sat on the side of the building while Token and Clyde talked on the opposite side. I sat next to him and couldn't help but feel bad for Clyde.
"It-it's Kevin and Bebe." I said while scraping my ax on the rooftop.
"Yeah." Craig said nonchalantly. It was almost kind of callused.
"H-he must be upset."
"Well we're all upset. We've had to fight for our fucking lives, but this isn't the time to be getting emotional." I looked at Craig's stony face. He's never been too emotional- but even so that look he had was kind of harsh.
"I- I guess. B-but he really liked Bebe. And Kevin was his next door neighbor and friend." I wasn't sure why I felt like I needed to inspire Craig to give a damn- but it was kind of scary how- cold he was acting, "Th-they were my friends too." I added. Craig simply looked off to the sky and let out another drag.
"Yeah- it's pretty fucked up. Lot‘s of things are." He shrugged. I couldn't believe that! I know he was right- that breaking down now was a little stupid viewing the circumstances. But we were still human! He had to feel something. And besides- we couldn't be fighting like this if we wanted to get out of here alive.
" I- I kind of understand where h-he's coming from though. He never got t-to tell her his feelings. This whole thing is- is fucking crazy. We c-could all die soon and-" Craig grabbed my shoulder.
"You need to calm down." He said firmly.
"L-look man, w-we're still human. It's natural to feel overwhelmed. I- d-don't think Clyde can help it."
"And- w-well maybe fighting isn't t-the best way to go out on if we-"
"We're not going to die Tweek." Craig squeezed my shoulder a little too hard.
"Yeah but- if we do-" I didn't want him and Clyde to be mad at each other.
"But we're not."
"But if we do- ow!" Craig hit the top of my head with his other hand.
"We. Are. Not." He said firmly- hazel eyes staring harshly into mine. I still wanted to make him understand. I opened my mouth to say something else, "I won't let anyone else die." I bit my lip and shut my mouth up. I noticed that in his cold stare- was a little bit of fear. He was trying to hide it.
"Ok." I decided not to fight him on this one. He continued to look at me, "I believe you." I added in, hoping that's what he needed to hear to stop looking at me like that. His hand on my shoulder loosened, going up the curve of my neck and resting on my cheek, leaving goose bumps on me.
What the hell was that?
I held my breath as he leaned in and kissed me. I gasped through my nose and froze. Before I could properly grasp it- he pulled away and let out a breath. He rose up without a word.
"If- when we survive this- I'll explain that." He said casually, taking a drag from his cigarette that had almost burned out between his fingers. He walked ahead to our other friends and informed them it was time to move. I simply placed a hand on my lips and replayed the scene in my head. The soft ghost of his lips lingered on mine.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Why would he do this to me now! I recalled when I mentioned Clyde never got to tell Bebe his feelings.
That's why he-
"Tweek! Let's go!" Craig shouted, his eyes looked away as soon as they met mine. I blushed and got up, getting my ax and following my friends across the buildings. I pushed all the questions to the back of mind for later if we made it-
When we'd make it.
If you enjoyed this story, remember to check out the original artwork that inspired it!